26 BLACK WOMEN
Being the One Everone Depends On
Alyson Brown
Alyson Brown had spent years being the person other people came to for support, advice, encouragement, and somewhere to put what they were going through. For a long time, she did not even realize she had become the strong friend in so many of her relationships.
For Alyson, strong friend syndrome showed up in the lack of reciprocity. She could be the sounding board, the safe place, and the person everyone trusted, but when she needed somewhere to go herself, those same relationships were not always able to hold her. Over time, that taught her to keep more of herself hidden.
Then a panic attack forced everything into the open. After weeks of work, event planning, and convincing herself she was simply busy and productive, her body finally stopped cooperating. In that moment, Alyson could no longer perform being okay, and being cared for while she fell apart began changing what support and intimacy meant to her.
LISTEN TO ALYSON’S STORY
“I need support. I need the checking.
I need a strong friend too.”
WHEN “BUSY” STOPPED EXPLAINING WHAT WAS HAPPENING
Alyson had convinced herself that everything on her plate was good. She had a promotion, two events she was excited about, work she cared about, and a life that felt aligned with what she had been praying and working toward. So every time stress, exhaustion, and overwhelm showed up, she explained it away as the cost of being productive and doing meaningful work.
Then one day, after working overtime, she closed her laptop, stood up, and felt herself begin to cry. She let the tears come, but instead of passing, they intensified. She started hyperventilating and could not catch her breath. What she had been calling busyness had become a panic attack.
That moment forced Alyson to admit something she had been avoiding. She had normalized overextending herself so completely that she was no longer being honest about her actual capacity. Her body was saying what she had not been willing to say yet: she could not keep doing all of it by herself.
WHEN SHE REALIZED THE SUPPORT WASN’T RECIPROCAL
Alyson had spent years being the person people came to when they needed to vent, process, ask for guidance, or simply have somewhere to put what they were feeling. She knew how to show up, how to listen, and how to make room for other people.
The harder realization came when she noticed that many of those same relationships did not work in reverse. The people who saw her as their go-to were not necessarily people she could turn to when she was overwhelmed, uncertain, or falling apart.
That lack of reciprocity helped Alyson finally name the role she had been playing. She was the strong friend, not because she had chosen the title, but because she had become the person everyone relied on while quietly learning not to expect the same kind of support in return.
“They are not my go-to. They are not my safe place. They are not my reliable sources when I’m not in my strongest place.”
WHEN SHE STARTED LEAVING ROOM FOR HERSELF
Alyson had spent years treating any open space like something that needed to be filled. If there was a free week on the calendar, she added something. If she had extra time, she found somewhere to pour it. Staying busy had become so normal that white space could feel uncomfortable.
But after the panic attack, she started seeing that pattern differently. Alyson already knew she could not function well in a cluttered physical space. Eventually, she realized the same was true mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Constant commitments had created a kind of internal clutter that was making it harder for her to hear herself and recognize what she actually needed.
Now she is learning to leave margin on purpose. Space in her calendar. Space to be bored. Space to rest, regenerate, and let herself be replenished without immediately finding another responsibility to fill the opening.
WHEN BEING SEEN STOPPED FEELING LIKE SOMETHING TO FEAR
Alyson wanted deep, reciprocal relationships, but being fully known did not always feel safe. She had spent years learning to show up as capable, composed, and dependable, so letting someone see the parts of her that were struggling could feel exposing instead of comforting.
Even with friends who had already proven themselves trustworthy, asking for help could bring up the fear that she would be too much, too heavy, or somehow harder to love once the polished version of her disappeared. That fear kept some relationships at the surface, where there was fun and connection, but not always the kind of intimacy that could hold the harder parts of life.
Alyson is learning that intimacy requires a different kind of risk. It means letting safe people see more than the version of her that has everything handled and trusting that being loved does not have to depend on performing strength.
“I need and deserve to be loved in a way that reaches the darkest parts of me, the lowest parts of me.”
WHEN BEING HELD CHANGED WHAT SUPPORT MEANT
Alyson had spent years knowing how to be present for other people, but receiving that same kind of care did not come naturally. She was used to being capable, useful, and emotionally available. Letting someone witness her without fixing herself first was much harder.
During the panic attack, she had no choice but to let herself be seen. The friend who was with her did not try to solve the moment or offer a list of things she should do next. He held her, stayed grounded, prayed when she asked, and let her unravel without treating her like she was too much.
That experience changed something for Alyson. Being cared for while she was at one of her lowest points helped her understand that support could be quiet, steady, and emotionally available. She did not have to perform strength first. She could simply be held.
“His presence meant so much to me. It did something to my nervous system to be cared for in that way.”
ABOUT ALYSON BROWN
Dr. Candice does not define freedom as having no responsibilities. She still has children, parents, work, relationships, and people she loves deeply. What has changed is the way she decides what belongs to her and what does not.
She is more willing now to say no, protect her time, rest without apologizing, and let other people be disappointed if the alternative is abandoning herself. She is also letting herself name what she has done well, enjoy what she has built, and want a life that feels good to live.
For Dr. Candice, freedom looks less like escaping responsibility and more like refusing to disappear inside of it. It is choosing boundaries, rest, pleasure, self-respect, and a life that does not require her to keep proving how much she can endure.
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