I’m always reflecting on how many Black women have been taught to confuse endurance with strength.
And because of that, a lot of us end up staying in things long after peace has already left.
We stay in relationships, roles, and routines.
We stay in environments that slowly drain the life out of us because somewhere along the way we learned that making it work was part of being strong.
That’s part of what made Dr. Froswa Booker-Drew’s story during the 26 Black Women storytelling series stay with me.
She talked about spending years inside a marriage that both she and her husband had outgrown, but leaving never felt simple because staying felt familiar.
Familiar can be dangerous like that.
Sometimes people stay not because something is healthy, but because it’s known.
Because it’s what they saw growing up.
Because they’ve convinced themselves enduring it is the responsible thing to do.
Because walking away feels scarier than continuing to survive inside something that no longer fits.
And while listening to her talk, I kept thinking about how many Black women are quietly doing the same thing in different areas of their lives.
Not always marriage.
Sometimes it’s a job that’s costing them their peace.
A friendship that has become emotionally one-sided.
A role in the family that requires constant self-sacrifice.
A version of themselves they no longer recognize but don’t yet know how to release.
When Overfunctioning Starts in Girlhood
The hard part is that many Black women become so accustomed to surviving that discomfort starts feeling normal.
Dr. Froswa described growing up with the kind of expectations a lot of Black women know well. Girls being taught to mature quickly, carry responsibility early, and overfunction without complaint.
Not little girls.
Little women.
And when overfunctioning starts in girlhood, staying too long in unhealthy situations can start feeling like second nature in adulthood.
You adapt.
You push through.
You figure it out.
You convince yourself you can carry a little more.
Until the body starts reacting.
One of the things she shared during the episode was how her body began responding to the stress she had been carrying for years through severe allergic reactions.
And the way she described it was powerful.
It was almost as if her body had become allergic to situations and spaces that no longer aligned with her peace.
That stayed with me because many Black women know what it feels like when the body starts signaling what the mouth hasn’t fully admitted yet.
The exhaustion.
The tension.
The anxiety.
The emotional heaviness.
The constant feeling of being “on.”
Sometimes the body starts grieving before the woman allows herself to.
“Mama, You Need to Leave Daddy”
One of the most emotional moments in the conversation came when Dr. Froswa shared that her college-aged daughter eventually looked at her and said, “Mama, you need to leave Daddy.”
And hearing that from her daughter forced her to confront something she had been trying to survive her way around for years.
Not because there was some explosive dramatic ending.
Not because there wasn’t love there at all.
But because peace had already left the relationship, even though she was still trying to remain inside it.
That part felt especially important because a lot of Black women are carrying relationships, responsibilities, and expectations that their spirit has already outgrown.
But leaving can feel terrifying when your identity has been tied to endurance for most of your life.
Dr. Froswa talked about how scary it felt walking away from something she had known for decades.
And that’s real.
People talk about leaving like it’s easy.
Like clarity immediately removes grief.
Like choosing peace means you won’t mourn what you thought something was supposed to become.
But many Black women are grieving while they’re still trying to gather the courage to choose themselves.
Sometimes Support Looks Like Presence
That’s why another part of her story stayed with me too.
She talked about friends who didn’t rush to fix her or force her to “be positive.”
They simply sat with her.
And maybe that’s the kind of support more Black women need while trying to make hard decisions about their lives.
Not pressure.
Not judgment.
Not shame.
Just space to hear themselves clearly enough to recognize when peace is no longer present somewhere they keep forcing themselves to stay.
The reflections in this piece were inspired by conversations from the 26 Black Women storytelling series on the Shades of Strong podcast, where Black women shared honest stories about identity, overfunctioning, relationships, emotional exhaustion, healing, and what it means to finally choose peace over endurance.
One of the conversations that deeply shaped this reflection was Dr. Froswa Booker-Drew’s story about marriage, survival, faith, and the realization that sometimes peace requires a Black woman to leave what she has outgrown.
Listen to her episode here.
These conversations continue shaping the work I do through Shades of Strong and the Support Languages framework, both centered on helping Black women redefine strength and build lives rooted in real support.
Resources to Support You:
- Schedule a 1:1 Support Session
- Get the Guide: “You Know Your Support Language™—Now What?”
- Take the Support Language™ Assessment. and learn how you actually receive support best.
- Get Support Right in Your Inbox: Gentle words, real-life reflection, and soft reminders every week
Shirl is the creator of Support Languages™ and host of Shades of Strong® — a movement shifting the narrative from Strong Black Woman to Supported Black Woman™ through language, rest, and real support.
