26 BLACK WOMEN
Unlearning the Life That Was Costing Me My Peace
DR. FROSWA’ BOOKER-DREW
Dr. Froswa’ learned early that being a girl came with a different set of expectations. She noticed how girls were taught to sit, dress, help, behave, and take responsibility in ways boys often were not. Even as a child, she was already questioning why so much of the burden seemed to fall on girls to manage themselves and everything around them.
That expectation of responsibility followed her into the rhythm of everyday life. School, her parents’ business, church, activities, weekends filled with things to do. Froswa’ remembers very little space to simply be. Long before she would call it overfunctioning, she had already learned how to stay busy, stay responsible, and stay on.
LISTEN TO DR. FROSWA’S STORY
“Space to be was very limited, because
it was always something to do.”
WHEN HER BODY STARTED SAYING ENOUGH
Dr. Froswa’ had spent years being on, moving from one responsibility to the next and doing what needed to be done. In her 30s, pneumonia became one of the first signs that something had to change. By her 40s, she began having severe allergic reactions that doctors could not fully explain, and each one was getting worse.
At the same time, multiple parts of her life were carrying strain. She was working in a highly visible role filled with conflict, raising her daughter, finishing a PhD, grieving multiple losses, and navigating a marriage that was no longer working. Dr. Froswa’ came to understand that her body had been holding more than she realized.
Looking back, she described it as if her body was finally forcing her to pay attention to relationships, situations, and environments she had learned to keep moving through. What she had been able to carry for years was beginning to cost her something she could no longer ignore.
WHEN STAYING STARTED COSTING TOO MUCH
By this point, Dr. Froswa’ was carrying strain in more than one part of her life. Work had become a place where she could still feel useful and valued, even while other parts of her life were becoming harder to hold together. But that came with its own reckoning. She had to separate who she was from what she accomplished and remind herself that her worth could not live inside her work.
At home, she was also confronting a marriage that had stopped working long before she was ready to admit what that meant. She had spent years absorbing the message that marriage was something you stayed in because that was what you were supposed to do. Even as the relationship was costing her peace, leaving still felt like stepping outside everything she had been taught about stability, faith, and commitment.
Then her daughter said what Dr. Froswa’ had been struggling to say for herself: she was miserable. Hearing that from her child became a kind of permission. For the first time, Dr. Froswa’ could see that staying was not necessarily the same thing as doing what was right.
“I cannot compromise my peace ever again.”
WHEN THE OLD VERSION OF STRENGTH STOPPED SERVING HER
Dr. Froswa’ had spent years adapting to what was expected of her. Responsibility, stability, endurance, keeping things together. Even when a version of her life no longer fit, those old expectations still made it difficult to trust what she was feeling.
Her daughter’s words became a turning point. When she told Dr. Froswa’ that she was miserable and needed to do what was best for herself, something shifted. Dr. Froswa’ described it as both freedom and permission, especially because she had not yet been able to give that permission to herself.
She began to understand that some versions of strength may protect us for a season and still become harmful when we keep using them after our needs have changed. What had once represented security and stability was no longer enough reason to remain inside something that was costing her peace.
“Finally, it was like my nervous system was going, Oh, my God, somebody sees this ain’t working.”
WHEN SUPPORT MEANT STAYING WITH HER
As Dr. Froswa’ moved through divorce, a new home, a new city, and the grief of leaving behind what had once felt familiar, she did not always know how to explain what she needed. The experience was so new that even finding the language for it was difficult.
What helped was not advice. Her mother held her. Her girlfriends came by and sat with her. They talked, laughed when she could, and stayed close without trying to convince her that everything was fine before she was ready to believe it.
Dr. Froswa’ realized that sometimes support is not about making the pain smaller or fixing what cannot be fixed in that moment. Sometimes it is simply having someone willing to see what is happening, stay beside you, and not make you carry it alone.
“What I needed was them to just see me and let me know they were with me.”
LEARNING TO LISTEN TO HERSELF
Dr. Froswa’ is still a helper by nature. She still notices what people need and still cares deeply about the people around her. What has changed is the assumption that every need she sees automatically belongs to her.
She is learning to listen to her body, trust her intuition, and pay attention to what she needs before rushing to fix something for somebody else. That has meant creating more quiet, more Sabbath, and more room to ask whether something is actually hers to carry.
It has also meant letting other people have their own journey. Dr. Froswa’ no longer believes love requires stepping in every time someone is struggling or trying to pull them toward a life they have not chosen for themselves. She can care, hold space, and remain present without taking responsibility for everything.
“There is a beautiful life on the other side of letting go. You don’t have to explain it to anybody.”
ABOUT DR. FROSWA’ BOOKER-DREW
Dr. Froswa’ Booker-Drew is a consultant, author, executive leadership coach, and community-engagement strategist. Through her consulting work, she helps organizations think more deeply about how they engage communities, strengthen internal culture, and support leaders. She is also the author of several books, including Front Porch Wisdom, which has received national recognition. At the center of her work is a commitment to connection, leadership, community, and helping people build healthier ways of relating to one another.
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