There’s a certain kind of pressure that settles over a Black woman’s life when everybody starts seeing her as the one who can handle everything.
The one people call first.
The one who figures things out.
The one who keeps showing up no matter how much is already on her plate.
And after a while, it becomes difficult to tell where the helping ends and the disappearing begins.
That’s one of the things that stayed with me while listening to Simone Gordon’s story during the 26 Black Women storytelling series on the Shades of Strong podcast.
Because her story wasn’t simply about being busy.
It was about what happens when a woman becomes so emotionally responsible for everybody around her that her own needs slowly move to the bottom of the list.
When Carrying People Becomes Normal
During our conversation, Simone talked about constantly pouring into her community, caring for her son, responding to crises, organizing resources, helping families, and trying to meet the emotional demands coming from every direction at once.
And while listening to her, I kept thinking about how many Black women have normalized carrying impossible amounts of emotional weight.
Not because they necessarily want to.
But because somewhere along the way, usefulness became tied to identity.
You become known as dependable.
Capable.
Reliable.
Strong.
People trust you to show up.
They trust you to keep going.
They trust you to hold things together.
And eventually that expectation settles into every part of your life.
People stop asking whether you’re tired because they’ve grown accustomed to watching you push through it.
The Part Nobody Sees
One of the hardest things about constantly being “the strong one” is that people often become more connected to what you provide than to who you actually are.
They know you as:
the helper.
the organizer.
the problem solver.
the caretaker.
But very few people stop long enough to ask what it’s costing you to maintain all of that.
That’s what made Simone’s story feel so layered.
Because underneath all the work, all the leadership, and all the community care was a woman trying to carry responsibilities that would overwhelm almost anybody.
And yet she kept going.
A lot of Black women do.
We keep answering calls.
Keep fixing problems.
Keep making things happen.
Keep convincing ourselves we’ll rest later.
Until the body finally interrupts the pace we’ve been forcing ourselves to maintain.
When Survival Starts Feeling Like Personality
One of the things that surfaced throughout the storytelling series was how many Black women have spent so much time surviving that overfunctioning starts feeling normal.
Rest starts feeling uncomfortable.
Slowing down creates anxiety.
Saying “no” feels loaded.
And being needed can quietly become addictive in its own way because it creates a sense of purpose, identity, and control.
But there’s a real cost attached to constantly living that way.
At some point, a woman can become so consumed with meeting everybody else’s needs that she loses touch with herself outside of what she does for people.
Not because she’s weak.
Not because she’s incapable.
Because she’s human.
And humans were never meant to carry endless amounts of emotional responsibility without support, care, softness, or relief.
Black Women Deserve More Than Constant Endurance
Another thing Simone’s story made me think about was how often Black women receive praise instead of support.
People admire the strength.
Celebrate the resilience.
Applaud the sacrifice.
Meanwhile the woman underneath all that strength is exhausted.
And many Black women have become so accustomed to hearing “you got this” that they no longer recognize when they actually need help.
Not encouragement.
Not admiration.
Help.
Real support.
Shared responsibility.
Space to exhale without feeling guilty for it.
Because being needed by everybody should never require a Black woman to disappear from herself in the process.
The reflections in this piece were inspired by conversations from the 26 Black Women storytelling series on the Shades of Strong podcast, where Black women shared honest stories about caregiving, emotional labor, burnout, identity, survival, and the realities of carrying too much for too long.
One of the conversations that deeply shaped this reflection was Simone Gordon’s story about community care, responsibility, emotional exhaustion, and what happens when being needed by everybody starts costing a Black woman herself.
Listen to her episode here.
These conversations continue shaping the work I do through Shades of Strong and the Support Languages framework, both centered on helping Black women redefine strength and build lives rooted in real support.
Resources to Support You:
- Schedule a 1:1 Support Session
- Get the Guide: “You Know Your Support Language™—Now What?”
- Take the Support Language™ Assessment. and learn how you actually receive support best.
- Get Support Right in Your Inbox: Gentle words, real-life reflection, and soft reminders every week
Shirl is the creator of Support Languages™ and host of Shades of Strong® — a movement shifting the narrative from Strong Black Woman to Supported Black Woman™ through language, rest, and real support.
