26 BLACK WOMEN
Fighting to Stay Sane While Everyone Calls You Strong
Mary Sims
Mary Sims spent years moving through cancer, treatment, a stem cell transplant, isolation, recovery, motherhood, work, and ministry while people continued to see her as the woman who could handle whatever came next.
For many Black women and cancer, the story does not end when treatment ends. Mary was still dealing with the emotional weight of what had happened, the loss of independence, the impact on her work and family, and the expectation that because she had made it through, she must be okay.
But Mary was not always okay. There were moments when she felt like she was fraying at the seams while the people around her only saw faith, strength, and perseverance. What she needed was somewhere she could stop performing strength long enough to be honest about what the journey had actually cost her.
LISTEN TO MARY’S STORY
“I can one moment have faith and then in the same breath say,
I’m scared. They can co-exist.”
WHEN ANOTHER DELAY FELT LIKE TOO MUCH
Mary had already spent years moving through cancer treatment, a stem cell transplant, isolation, and one setback after another. Every time she thought she might finally catch her breath, something else seemed to pull her under.
Then came another appointment. Her face had swollen, and the doctor explained that a serious transplant reaction was attacking her kidneys. Treatment would have to become aggressive again. More medication. More waiting. More time before life could begin opening back up.
Mary sat there listening, but inside she was unraveling. By the time she made it to her car, she stopped trying to hold herself together. She cried. She screamed. She told God how tired she was and how badly she wanted a break.
WHEN BEING CALLED STRONG LEFT HER NOWHERE TO PUT THE TRUTH
Mary was used to being the encourager, the woman of faith, the one people looked to for prayer, perspective, and strength. Even while she was dealing with cancer and everything that came after it, people still saw the version of her who could keep going.
What they did not always see were the silent burdens underneath that image. Mary could believe God would keep her and still be scared. She could be grateful and still be angry. She could encourage somebody else and still need somebody to make room for what she was feeling.
That was part of what made being called strong so lonely. Sometimes Mary did not need another reminder of how well she was handling things. She needed somewhere she could stop being the person everybody expected her to be and simply be human.
“I’m not always okay. And I’m actually the one needing some prayer.”
WHEN SHE STOPPED TALKING HERSELF OUT OF WHAT SHE FELT
Mary had spent years trying to correct herself whenever fear, anger, bitterness, or discouragement showed up. If she was grateful to be alive, she thought she should not also feel angry about what cancer had taken. If she trusted God, she questioned whether she was allowed to admit that she was scared.
Over time, that began to change. Mary stopped treating every difficult emotion like something she needed to explain away. She learned that gratitude and disappointment could exist together. Faith could sit beside fear. Being thankful for her life did not require her to pretend that parts of the journey had not hurt deeply.
That shift gave Mary something she had not always allowed herself, room to tell the truth about where she actually was instead of constantly trying to talk herself into feeling differently.
“So why can’t my emotions have space?”
WHEN BEING HEARD STARTED TO CHANGE WHAT SUPPORT LOOKED LIKE
Mary had spent so much time being the one who helped, encouraged, gave, and figured things out that receiving support did not come naturally. Even when someone asked what she needed, her first instinct was often to say she was fine and keep moving.
That began to change when she started being more honest about where she actually was. Sometimes that meant admitting she needed financial help.
Sometimes it meant saying she did not need a solution, she just needed someone to listen. And sometimes being heard opened the door for people to notice what she needed without waiting for her to ask.
After one difficult moment, Mary noticed her mother beginning to step in differently, bringing her food and helping with things she had not been able to keep up with. For Mary, that became a glimpse of what support could look like when she no longer had to do all the noticing, asking, and explaining by herself.
“I was heard. And as a result of me being heard, it opened the door for people to start doing things without me having to ask.”
WHEN RECOVERY BECAME ITS OWN KIND OF FIGHT
Mary reached the other side of active cancer treatment, but that did not mean she simply stepped back into the life she had before. Years of illness had touched her business, her independence, her finances, her relationships, her body, and the way she understood herself.
There was relief in being alive, but there was also grief for time she could not get back. Mary was diagnosed at 33, and by her 39th birthday she found herself thinking about how much of her thirties had been shaped by treatment and everything that followed. She could be deeply grateful for her life and still admit that some of it felt unfair.
That became another truth Mary stopped forcing herself to choose between. Recovery could be beautiful and difficult at the same time. Making it through one part of the journey did not mean she was finished dealing with what it had changed.
“There’s a lot of emphasis put on coming out of a thing, but not when you’re in the thick of it. And also when you come out, sometimes the coming out is just as tumultuous as what you were going through.”
ABOUT MARY SIMS
Mary Sims is a salon owner, mother, woman of faith, and wellness advocate whose work has been shaped by both service and lived experience. For more than 15 years, she has cared for Black women through her work in hair, while also serving her family, church, and community.
After being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and undergoing years of treatment and recovery, Mary began looking differently at health, faith, and what it means to care for the body. Her wellness work now helps women think more intentionally about how they care for themselves, including eating colorfully and approaching wellness through the biblical principles that have become part of her own journey.
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