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Baby's Daddy

 

Having given birth to my first child at the age of sixteen, I’ve been a mother all of my adult life. Jumping into a mother’s role at such a young age was extremely challenging, but that was just the beginning.

I married at the age of twenty-one and gave birth to three more children over the course of about ten years.   Unfortunately, I found myself raising those children on my own.  Needless to say it was a daunting task; but the thing I found most challenging was being a parent to a son who desperately wanted and NEEDED his dad.

There I was in my early thirties, the single mother of Black man who would someday become a husband and a father.

I had no idea what do with that. I had no idea what a mother’s role was to her son.  How was I supposed to teach him how be a man? A father?  But I didn’t let that stop me.  I worked diligently to succeed at the role I had been thrust into.  

I was determined to make a man out of him. 

He WOULD be a better a  father, better man than his dad ever was.   But, let me just tell ya….

I FAILED MISERABLY!

I was so focused on the man I didn’t want him to become until I completely overlooked the man he already was.

In my zest to make a man out of him, I overlooked the fact that he was already a man! He was a man when he was conceived and he was a man when I gave birth to him.  He just needed to be properly groomed to become the man he was born to be.

I FAILED to groom him. 

In my efforts to teach him how to be a man, I was constantly focusing on all the things he shouldn’t be doing AND what I didn’t want to happen to him.

I didn’t want him to become like the boys he often kept company with.

I didn’t want the streets to get him!  I didn’t want to lose him to drugs. 

I was always telling him what he shouldn’t do… what he couldn’t do.

 I rarely (if ever) told him what he could do. I was so afraid that he would fail, til the possibility of success never even crossed my mind!

Big mistake!  Big!  HUGE

But here’s what I learned when I FINALLY realized that I was NOT his daddy.because that’s what I trying to do. 

I was trying to FATHER him.

But, one day it just clicked — ShirI!!! You are NOT the baby’s daddy. 

I can teach him how to love, but I can’t teach how to be a man, a husband or a father. 

Teaching him those things is not a part of my DNA. And I know some will disagree, but it’s just not how God created me. 

He did, however give me a heart to love my son despite his shortcomings. That’s what I should have been using to groom him into the man he’s destined be.

My role as his mother is to help him develop his skills and discover his strengths  — not to be his father AND not to teach him how to be a man.

I made A LOT of mistakes along the way, but after many failed attempts, I finally  made the conscious decision to take off the cape of fathering him.  I stopped trying to teach him how to be a man and start teaching him how to love.

I do that by showing him the same love that I want to him to experience and loving on him SUPER HARD even when he falls short of MY expectations!

If you’re a single mom raising a son, KNOW that a mother’s role — your role is NOT to be his father or teach him how to be a man. Your role is to teach him how to love himself and others.  When he learns that, everything else will fall in place.

So, what say you? 

Can a mother be a father to her son? 

Can she teach him to be a man?

Sound off in the comments.  I’d love to hear from you.


…AND be sure  to check out the PODCAST EPISODE,
Raising a Black Son in White America on this topic.  

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